How often do we ask our loved ones for help, understanding, or even just a kind word, only to be met with resistance and the devaluation of our feelings, accompanied by explanations of why we shouldn't feel the way we do?

Or, conversely, we accuse someone of being selfish or not doing something important for us. But what do we actually want them to do? For example, consider the following dialogue:

- I don't feel loved by him.
- What does he need to do for you to feel that way?
- Everything to make me understand that he loves me.
- Anything else? Can you provide a specific example of his behavior that would make you feel loved?

Folks, this is NOT obvious! We are all different and we all need different things. The book "The Five Love Languages" describes only five ways to give a loved one a sense of happiness, but in reality, there are so many more. If your love language is kind words, then you might be showering your loved one with compliments while being frustrated that they still don't feel loved. Well, it might be that their love language is something else entirely, like receiving thoughtful gifts or being invited to a fancy restaurant. You can read a brief description of these love languages here. It's your responsibility to clearly communicate what you need for your own happiness. And if someone truly loves you, they will listen to what you specifically need, without reproaching you for expecting too much. Don't blame others for being different and wanting things that aren't obvious to you. Try to listen and provide what the person truly needs, rather than what YOU think they should want. If you can't or don't want to give them what they need, then be honest about it, but don't accuse them of having abnormal desires.

We also love to give advice. For instance, when a woman comes home from work and starts complaining to her husband about problems with her boss. The husband immediately starts offering advice: complain to HR, change departments, change your attitude, or just forget about it. When you give such advice, you imply that the person is doing something wrong by experiencing these emotions. Sometimes, just being there with them in that moment is enough. Just say, "I'm here with you. The most important thing is that I love and value you, and the fact that your boss doesn't appreciate you is his problem." And that's it! Because advice can lead you down a very long and damaging road. My cousin was burying her adopted daughter, who died during surgery at the age of 27. To "console" her at the funeral, her sister said, "Don't worry so much. She wasn't your real daughter anyway."

These concepts are very well articulated in books like "Crucial Conversations," "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus," and the aforementioned "The Five Love Languages."

Love your loved ones the way they want to be loved, not how you want to love them. And then, from being perceived as selfish, you will transform into a considerate person. And that's when harmonious relationships become inevitable!