In the bestseller "The Five Love Languages," psychologist Gary Chapman defines the five main "languages" that, once known, will help you connect with any partner and achieve a long-lasting, love-filled, and passionate marriage. I highly recommend reading the entire book as it includes real-life examples, valuable advice, concrete recommendations, and detailed descriptions of each love language.
Rarely do the primary love languages of husbands and wives align. We often speak our familiar love language and get confused when our spouse doesn't understand our expression of love. We may convey our love, but the message doesn't reach them as it sounds like a foreign language.
LOVE LANGUAGE #1: WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
The power of words can shape destinies, even nations. Solomon, the author of wise ancient Hebrew texts, wrote, "The tongue has the power of life and death." One way to express love and improve the emotional climate in your marriage is by using words of affirmation.
Words of Approval
Verbal compliments, or words of approval, are powerful communicators of love and have a much greater motivating impact than complaints. The author doesn't suggest "flattering your spouse to get what you want." According to him, the purpose of love isn't to get what you want but to do something good for the one you love. With words of approval, we become more motivated to respond with similar actions and do what our spouse desires.
Words of Encouragement
The word "encourage" means to "inspire courage." Each of us has areas where we don't feel confident, where we lack courage. By using words of encouragement, we try to convey the message: "I know, I empathize, I'm with you. How can I help?" We aim to show that we believe in our partner and in their capabilities.
Words of Understanding
If your spouse is upset or angry, and they blurt out something you don't want to hear, if you want to be a loving person, you won't respond in the same irritated manner. Instead, you'll allow them to express their pain, anger, and perception of the situation. You'll seek understanding and reconciliation, not a need to prove that your perspective on the matter is the only right one. This is mature love, the love we strive for to strengthen our marriage.
Forgiveness
Many people persistently carry yesterday's failures into today and, by doing so, poison a potentially wonderful day. Yes, it happened. Of course, it hurt. And maybe it still does. But they've admitted their mistake and asked for forgiveness. We can't erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to be free from yesterday's failures and be free today. Forgiveness is an expression of love. It's a decision to show mercy, not to retaliate in kind against the offender.
Requests
Love asks, it doesn't demand. How we express our desires is crucial. If we demand something, we block the path to close relationships and push away our spouse. When our needs and desires are presented as requests, they become suggestions, not ultimatums. When you express a request to your spouse, you affirm their value and capabilities. But when you demand, you turn from a loving person into a tyrant. Your spouse won't feel supported, but rather humiliated.
LOVE LANGUAGE #2: QUALITY TIME
"Quality time" refers to giving someone your undivided attention, even if it's just for 20 minutes. These moments will never repeat; we're giving each other our lives. It's a powerful emotional way to express love.
Meaningful Conversations
Meaningful conversations involve empathetic dialogues where two individuals share their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires—sharing as friends, without interrupting each other. Learning to listen is crucial if we want to express our love. If your partner's primary love language is quality time, such conversations are a vital demonstration of their being loved.
Learning the Art of Conversation
Quality conversations require not only empathetic listening but also honesty. Being open and honest doesn't come naturally to everyone. Many adults were raised in families where expressing emotions and thoughts was not only discouraged but condemned. By the time we become adults, many of us have learned to deny our own feelings. We emotionally distance ourselves. Learning the language of quality conversation can be as challenging as learning a foreign language. The book provides practical advice on developing self-awareness about our emotions and becoming open with ourselves and our loved ones.
Engaging in Quality Activities
The focus in "quality activities" is not solely on what you do but on why you do it. The goal is to give each other undivided attention, experience something together, and finish with the feeling of "He cares for me. He wanted to do something I enjoy and did it with a positive attitude." This is love, and for many people, it's the loudest expression of love.
LOVE LANGUAGE #3: RECEIVING GIFTS
Gifts are visual symbols of love and, for some people, are more meaningful than anything else. It's the easiest love language to learn.
Gifts and Money
If you discover that your partner's primary love language is receiving gifts, you might realize that buying them a gift is the best investment you can make. You're investing in your relationship, filling the vessel of your loved one's love, and with a full vessel of love, they'll likely reciprocate with love in a way that speaks to you. Stop worrying about your savings; you'll always save, but investing in your spouse's love is buying the most reliable shares.
The Gift of Presence
There's an intangible gift that sometimes speaks louder than any tangible one. It's the gift of yourself, the gift of presence. Being there when your spouse needs you most is the most powerful gift you can offer if their primary love language is receiving gifts. Remember that the gift of yourself is more than just physical presence. Sometimes it may require you to instantly set aside your own priorities.
LOVE LANGUAGE #4: ACTS OF SERVICE
Acts of service involve doing things your spouse desires. You find ways to do something nice for them, thus expressing your love in the most effective way.
Doormat or Love?
Manipulating with guilt ("If you were a good husband, you'd do this for me") is not the language of love. Coercion with fear ("Do it, or you'll regret it") is the enemy of love. No one should ever be a doormat. Allowing oneself to be used and manipulated by another is not an act of love. It's an act of betrayal.
Overcoming Stereotypes
However you perceive it, there's always a chance that your spouse sees family roles differently from you. To more effectively express love, the willingness to review and, if necessary, change stereotypes about the roles of husband and wife is essential. This is required for each of us if our partner's primary love language requires something that doesn't align with our role stereotype.
LOVE LANGUAGE #5: PHYSICAL TOUCH
For many people, physical touch is their primary love language. Everything I am resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me at the core. Pulling away from my body is emotionally pulling away from me. Such messages speak much louder than words like "I love you" or "I hate you."
An Excellent Investment
Holding hands, hugging, kissing, making love – all these are ways of expressing emotional love to your partner. If a back massage is a loud declaration of love for them, then the time, money, and effort you invest in becoming a good masseuse will be an excellent investment. If your partner's primary dialect is physical intimacy, then reading and discussing matters related to the art of lovemaking will enhance your expression of love.
Crises and Touch
During crises, we need to feel loved the most. We may not always change our circumstances, but we can survive when we feel loved. If your spouse's love language is physical touch, when they're crying, what matters most to them is your embrace. Your words might mean very little, but your touch will show that you care. Your gentle touches will be remembered long after the crisis passes, while their absence will never be forgotten.
"I dream of the day when the potential of married couples is unleashed for the good of humanity, where husbands and wives can live with a vessel full of emotional love and achieve their potential as individuals and as a couple. My desire is for this little book to ignite the flame of love in your marriage and in the marriages of thousands of couples just like yours," writes Gary Chapman in the conclusion of his book.